Guilty Feelings
by LL was Guest123
Summary: They all had feelings of guilt and each one knew that the only way to live a happy and carefree life was to unburden themselves.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer - I do not own Lewis or any of the characters. I am purely borrowing them for fictional story purposes. **_

_**James **_

"Don't struggle with your conscience my darling, none of this was your fault. I can't bear to see you like this when I can't do anything to make you feel better," Jean whispered into his ear as Robbie was occupied for a few minutes on the other side of the office. She knew that he felt personally responsible for the young boy's suicide, felt like he had been too forceful with his questioning, but she had been in the job long enough to know that wasn't the case. Bad things just happened, sometimes in the battle for justice innocent people got hurt, sometimes police officers got hurt. Yet Jean Innocent couldn't stand seeing the love of her life hurting. Since she had fallen in love she had felt so protective of him.

"Will you tell him he isn't to blame Ma'am," Robbie said, walking back over to where they were standing.

"He's right James," she said, trying to keep her tone light and professional, hiding the fact that she just wanted to bundle him into her arms and let him cry quietly. "You really mustn't blame yourself, you did everything right."

"I wish I could believe that" James murmured, the battle raging inside him evident from the troubled expression on his young face.

Jean tried to catch his eye and when she succeeded she gestured subtly towards her office. He knew that this meant that he needed to give her a few minutes and then he was to make an excuse to join her there.

Even the way he knocked on the door saddened her heart. "Come in" she called, smiling sympathetically when he entered, and he closed the door carefully, taking the seat across the desk from her.

"James, don't punish yourself like this. It is breaking my heart to watch you blaming yourself for something that was so out of your control. We can't make decisions for other people, we can only do what we think is right and to try to get justice for those who deserve it." She reached out and took his hand, glancing around to make sure the blinds were closed, and rubbed her thumb gently against his.

"Jean, I seem to spend so much of my life feeling guilty. Guilty for driving a young boy to suicide, guilty for sleeping with another man's wife, guilty for lying to my closest friend and colleague."

She stared back at him as the words filtered through, making her heart ache just a little bit more. "Are you saying the guilt of what we are doing is too much for you?" she dreaded the answer he was going to give, but needed to ask the question.

"No...yes...I don't know..." he trailed off, lowering his head as he spoke.

"Look at me, James. I can't listen to this, I can't lose you. You mean everything to me. I am the one who should be feeling guilty, I'm the one who is messing everyone about, you included." Her usually controlled voice began to crack, just a little, and she took a deep breath in order to compose herself enough to carry on. "Look, we need to talk about this properly, but I'll leave Richard, I'll tell him that I can't carry on and then we can be together. I'll even leave this place if I have to. Just please don't tell me you want to finish things, I couldn't bear that."

"I was going to enter the priesthood and now look at me." He looked up at her for the first time since starting this and the pleading look in her eyes made his heart ache. "I couldn't finish things, even if I wanted to. I am so in love with you I can hardly breathe when you are in the same room as me. My life is only worth living because you are in it, but I don't want to feel guilty all the time. I don't want to feel that what I'm doing will result in other people's misery."

She sighed, "I understand that darling, I really do. Like I said, I'll sort things out. When you said 'I don't know' and I thought you were going to end things, it felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest. I don't want you to feel guilty anymore. Please trust me to put things right now James, you've been patient and waited for me for long enough."

He forced a small smile and looked across at the woman he loved. He didn't want to put pressure on her but they had been living a lie for so long now he had forgotten what honesty was. Sneaking around behind people's backs was not his style and he found it so hard to fend Robbie off at times. He had to turn down drinks at the pub, pretend he was engrossed in a current book or that he was simply tired, in order to carry on his affair. Robbie spent so much time with both of them and he felt awful that they were hiding such a secret from him. This was the worst guilt of all for James. To some extent he could cope with the guilt of carrying on behind Richard Innocent's back, he didn't really know the man and didn't have to face him on a daily basis, but Robbie was like a father to him, someone who had been there through thick and thin.

"I need to be able to tell Robbie," he said quietly.

Jean nodded but looked anxious. "I do understand James but let's make sure we have thought it all through, and decided on the best way to sort it all out to minimise the problems that will inevitably be caused."

He nodded and stood up from his seat, "we'll talk later then." He made his way towards the door.

"James..."

He turned back towards her.

"No more guilty feelings, ok."

_Reviews are always welcomed!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Laura**

Laura felt anxious. She hadn't been able to relax for weeks now and she was no closer to working out what to do. Every possible option had been running through her mind, each one a definite possibility, each one bringing with it an element of closure but also the inevitable misery and heartache. The question was, which one would cause the least pain and give her the chance of some happiness?

She was trying so hard to throw herself in to work, to focus so much on what needed to be done that she didn't have time to think, but she was failing miserably. She couldn't even be sure she was doing a good job, which wasn't at all like her, she was always so meticulous.

"Hello stranger," came a cheerful voice behind her, making her jump as it shook her from her thoughts and she again realised that she had been miles away, "I have the feeling you've been avoiding me so I thought I'd better come and track you down."

She smiled weakly, her heart racing, "just been busy Robbie, that's all."

He smiled back at her but she could see the worry in his eyes as he tried to hold her gaze. She turned away. It was too painful to look at him...and she felt too guilty.

"Laura, I know it isn't that. Even when you've been busy you've always made time for me, checked up on me to see that I was ok. This is the longest time I can remember you going without contacting me. You haven't returned one of my calls and you haven't been to see if James and I are going for a drink once in the last few weeks. Don't shut me out...please."

The sadness in his eyes as she glanced back at him made her weak with anxiety. "We can't talk here. How about we meet up later, we can go for a drink."

"That would be good, I'd like that. I'll call by and pick you up when I finish then." He smiled at her again and even though she tried to smile back, the look on her face made him worry even more. He had known when he made the decision to go to her place of work in the middle of the working day, so that she had no choice but to face him, that he would be forcing her into a corner. He knew that whatever was going on wasn't something that he himself really wanted to face, yet he missed her and eventually his need to see her became far greater than the feelings of panic over why she was avoiding him. He was ashamed of the fact that he had secretly hoped that there would be a murder in Oxford. Not that he wanted to see an innocent person lose their life unnecessarily, but at least it would have meant that she had no choice but to face him. Still now she had agreed to meet him and although his stomach was turning over with the nerves of what this was all about, he felt better that he wouldn't have to wait too much longer to find out.

She glanced at him again. He had aged a lot in the time she had known him. Not surprisingly with everything he had been through. She knew him so well, every line on his face was etched in her memory and filled her mind when they weren't together, but where had that got her? Years of thinking about him, worrying whether he was eating and sleeping, years of loving him to a point where her heart ached that her feelings were not returned and she was forced to face the fact that they probably never would be.

As Robbie left, Laura flopped down in her chair and put her head in her hands. She wasn't ready to face things, didn't want to have to explain what she hadn't made up her mind about anyway. Yet, as always, one look from this man and she found herself agreeing to anything. He had always been able to do that to her. She hated to see sadness in his eyes and if he had asked her for something, and if she knew that it might make him feel better, she always found herself saying yes. That was part of the problem, the reason why she couldn't make a decision now, even though she knew that she should be able to make a sensible decision about anything. When it came to battles between the head and the heart, things were always less than straightforward.

The worst thing was, that of all the feelings Laura Hobson had ever experienced, this all consuming feeling of guilt was the worst that she could remember. How could she begin to talk to him about it? What could she possibly say that would make it all ok between them? In just a few hours he would be back to walk her to the pub and before that she needed to make some decisions.

_A work in progress... reviews would be lovely!_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Jean and Robbie**_

She couldn't concentrate for the rest of the day. Her heart ached over James and the relationship they had. She desperately wanted things to be simpler so that she could just give herself to him completely without any of the complications that existed. Sighing deeply, she put her head in her hands. James and Robbie were like Father and Son, she knew that and she hated to be the one causing this big secret to be hanging in the air between them. Robbie had noticed the change in his young sergeant. He had even been to speak to her about it, telling her how worried he was and taking is personally that James didn't feel able to discuss whatever it was with him. She felt terrible. Then there was her husband. He had kept enough secrets from her over the years with the countless affairs that he'd had, but that didn't stop her feeling bad about this. She wasn't like him and didn't want to be. Yet it was when she thought of Chris that the pain was worst. A mother always wanted to protect her child and even though he was grown up she knew the truth would cause him pain.

She was shaken from her thoughts by a knock at the office door and she tried to compose herself quickly before calling out for the person to enter.

Robbie walked into the office and she smiled at him warmly.

"What can I do for you Lewis?"

"Just need a signature on this please Ma'am," he announced returning her smile and passing a piece of paper to her.

She glanced over the paperwork and then scrawled her signature across the bottom before handing it back to him. "Is everything ok Robbie? You don't seem yourself, problems with the case?"

"No Ma'am, nothing like that, this one seems pretty straightforward now." He looked down at the floor, not wanting to look at the way she was narrowing her eyes at him suspiciously.

"Well if not the case then something else," she started, clearly not going to let him off the hook without some sort of explanation. "Look Robbie, you can tell me to mind my own business but if I can help then..."

Robbie sighed and sat down on the chair opposite Jean's desk. "It's just Laura," he began, "I've clearly upset her, she's been avoiding me for a while now and earlier I got it into my head to confront her about it. Now she's agreed that we can go for a drink later and talk, but I'm not really sure I want to listen to whatever she has to say."

Jean smiled softly, Robbie Lewis had never been one to talk openly about his feelings so she knew that he must be in a state of emotional turmoil to be confiding this to her. "Robbie, what do you want her to say? How do you want things to be between you and Laura? I must say it's dreadfully confusing to the outside world. It looks to all of us like you adore each other, she has turned down many good offers of future happiness because she only has eyes for you and yet you are still causing each other heartache and leading separate lives."

Robbie looked across at his boss, but couldn't answer any of her questions. She thought he looked like a child, hurt and upset and in need of someone to tell him what to do, but he had to figure this one out for himself.

"Robbie if you love her then you need to do something about it before it's too late." She said sympathetically.

"I know Ma'am," he replied nodding slowly before getting to his feet. "Thanks for the listening ear; I'd better get back to it."

Jean watched him leave her office and waited for a few moments before picking up the phone.

"_Hi, it's me, look I need to speak to you. Can you meet me, it's really important?"_

As Robbie reached his office he flopped down on to the chair. If only it was as simple as telling her he loved her. He did love her, he had done for a very long time, but it wasn't that easy. He loved Val, he had always loved Val and the feelings of guilt that swept over him when he thought about letting himself love Laura were almost too much to bear. He didn't know if he could live with the guilt. Then there were his children. How would they feel about him betraying their mother's memory? Yet Jean was right, he did have to make a decision one way or the other. He couldn't keep going on like this with Laura. He had clearly upset her and possibly even blown his chances already anyway. Glancing at his watch he realised he didn't have long to make what was possibly one of the biggest decisions of his life.

Reviews always welcome.


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